Today I WONDER
I was sorely in need of these very feelings yesterday. The why only matters so you can relate, I suppose. I was shunned, basically told to fuck off by a person very important to me. Silly girl, isn't it always the way, you don't cherish something until it's gone! Ultimately I am incredibly grateful and blessed the person was honest with me. By virtue of the very nature of the relationship it caused me to examine practically my entire life through a new lens. Wow and SHIT, Holy SHIT! I'm a real piece of work, FUCK!
In addition to being an asshole, I do have the ability to be honest and suspend my delusional thinking and bizarre expectations long enough for a glimpse of something like reality. (A grace really, that I am not responsible for just fortunate enough to be aware of.) Bottom line I was able to bawl my eyes out and FEEL - the full gamut of Hawkins' low-energetic-frequency emotions. They were all wrapped up in a tidy package, all related to this person's role in my lifetime. SHAME - GUILT - APATHY - GRIEF - FEAR & DESIRE! What a fucking gift! What an amazing opportunity to practice everything I've been learning, for real. Having the feelings, not holding on to them. Can you believe that I also just picked up Brene Brown's latest book: Atlas of the Heart? Now I actually have some useful, precise definitions for the words that David Hawkins uses, adding more power and more fuel to my flame of awareness and opportunity for transformation.
"SHAME: the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection."
Anyway, I was wrecked, shattered, writhing, and fabulously miserable. I know a bottom when I feel it! I had the grace to notice that nothing outside myself will magically soothe me. I looked inside for some comfort and even my strong fearless self was entangled in the wreckage. I could pray, should I pray? Pray to what? to who? my Higher Power is always my True Self in partnership with an impersonal, ever present, eternal, all powerful One-ness. Not exactly the warm and cozy comforting image I was seeking.
The first image that popped in was a mother Puma (mountain lion) grabbing me by the scruff of the neck and taking me back to some cozy den to cuddle and comfort me. All snug and warm with soft fur and purring. I then had a flashback to a similar image of warm fur and comfort. I wasn't able to place it until after my meditation this morning. I realized that for my own sanity it may be useful to have a visual "go to place" for those times I'm feeling all those low vibration emotions... so I dove into searches online and realized the memory was that of Aunt Beast from A Wrinkle In Time. I found this article, thank you Jessica Woodbury! Just what every tender, kind person at heart whose hurting and wounded needs, Aunt Beast! My gratitude is a bottomless pit and my joy fills the sky. Thanks for another day on planet Earth!